HONESTY

I'm going to talk openly about something which nobody ever seems to talk about, but anyone who has been through it knows exactly what it's like. It's one of the most horrible feelings I've ever experienced, because along with it comes this huge amount of guilt and selfishness which makes you feel like the worst person in the world. But it's a feeling. You have  n o  c o n t r o l  over your feelings, you knew that right? It's like when you start falling for the wrong person. You know it's stupid, you know it's wrong, you know other people would judge you for it, you try so hard to push it down so maybe it won't be there anymore, but try as you may, there it is. 

Pregnancy envy.

There, I said it. Pregnancy envy is the jealousy you feel when somebody announces that they're pregnant and as happy as you are for them, the overriding feeling is a huge black cloud of envy.

I'm sure it only happens when you are either trying for a baby yourself, or you would would like to be but your circumstances don't permit it. I certainly don't remember feeling like this before I was ready to have a child of my own, and I'm pretty sure it's a completely foreign feeling once you are actually pregnant or have a baby young enough to stop you wanting another one right away.

 This is the curse of the tryers, the longers, the empty wombed, the ever hopefuls.

As far as I can see, it doesn't matter whether you've been trying for a baby for 4 years, 4 weeks or you're not even able to try yet. It's that ache in your womb that tells you that it's your time, and you want it more than anything. And it doesn't really matter who the subject is either. It could be some celebrity you've never met and have no knowledge of their circumstances, it could be your best friend who has been trying to get pregnant herself for years, or it could be your work colleague who "accidentally" got pregnant without even planning on it. It doesn't matter who it is because you  

a r e  h a p p y  for them. You are so happy for them that your heart could burst, because you know how precious a gift pregnancy is, and you are so excited for the amazing journey that they are now on. Especially if it is somebody who has had a really hard time to get to that place, the happiness you feel for them is overwhelming. Your jealousy doesn't mean that you wish it was you instead of them, it doesn't mean that you feel they don't deserve it, it doesn't mean that you are not so happy for them that you could cry. It means that you wish it was you as well as them, it means that you feel that you deserve it too, and it means you have now been reminded once again that  i t  i s  n o t  y o u  this time, and you are so sad you could cry. 

Most times I'm betting that you do cry. Out of happiness for them, and sadness for yourself. Jeez, talk about mixed emotions. 

But all this can make it incredibly hard to show them just how happy you are. Sometimes a simple "congratulations" is all you can muster, because all of a sudden your heart is filling with conflict and you just know that if you start asking the questions they want you to ask that your game face is going to crumble, and you don't want to completely ruin their moment with your own emotion. 

If, like me, you have had miscarriages, the question "when are you due" just prompts you to remember what your own due date would have been, how far along you would be or how old that baby of yours would be now if it had all worked out the way it was supposed to. It's not that you don't care or aren't interested, it's just that right there in that second, the knowledge that they're pregnant is enough for you. The finer details can come later once you have had time to compose yourself and accept that once again, it's somebody else's news you're getting excited about and not your own.

Yes, you're making it all about you, but nobody ever said that this pregnancy envy wasn't a completely selfish feeling. In time, you will find the strength to ask those questions that you are interested to ask, and you will get excited, and you will put your own sadness aside.

And so long as you are not visibly negative or judgemental upon receipt of their news (because trust me, that is not nice to be on the receiving end of) then you're doing just fine. Yes, they may go away and feel like they got a somewhat lukewarm response from you, but hopefully they're also human enough to understand where you are coming from, and to know deep down that of course you are thrilled for them, it's just going to take you a little bit of time to be able to express it. Let's face it, they're happy enough about it for the whole entire world, and why wouldn't they be? You will be when it happens to you too.