GUESS WHO'S BACK WITH A BRAND NEW ADDITION...

So, its been a while hey? Long story short, my computer is busted and doing these posts from other devices is tedious to say the least! So since I last posted back in OCTOBER (!!) I've been pretty busy...

My beautiful baby boy Ettie arrived on the 20th December, four days after his due date. As I mentioned last time, I was hoping to give birth at the Maidstone Birth Centre...well best laid plans and all that!

 

I went to see my community midwife the day after my due date, expecting to be given a stretch and sweep. I nonchalantly mentioned that the baby's movements may have reduced slightly but that I was confident everything was OK as I was still feeling a fair few. This immediately made Sarah hesitant about doing the sweep and said she wanted me to go down to the hospital and be monitored to check baby was alright. I did my very best to convince her that it really wasn't necessary and short of dropping to my knees I pretty much begged her to still do the sweep, I was so done with being pregnant! She said she would have a listen in and a feel of the bump so I hopped up on the bed, but it soon became apparent that I wasn't having the sweep. The naughty little baby was not even nearly engaged. His head was totally free and in fact it was so high that Sarah couldn't even be sure it was his head and not his bottom she was feeling! So she called the triage unit at the hospital and sent me on my merry way for a presentation scan and to be monitored.

As I had expected, the monitoring revealed that the baby was just fine, but just as I thought I was going to be sent home, the doctor changed her mind due to the fact that the baby had changed position quite dramatically in the short time I had been there, so she diagnosed me with an unstable lie and I was admitted to stay in hospital until he arrived! The danger was that if my waters had broken while he was not in a head down position then there was a risk of cord prolapse, and apparently if that happens then they have about 7 minutes to get the baby out before there is a high risk of the baby being brain damaged or worse. So with all that in mind, the safest place for me to be was in hospital, and I was informed that they would break my waters in a controlled manner while baby was head down.

So I had left the house that afternoon thinking I was just going for a sweep...little did I know I wouldn't be home again for quite some time! The maternity unit was chocka block and unfortunately every time a bed came free on the delivery suite, a woman in active labour came in and stole it from under my nose! It soon became apparent that I was low on the priority list and was therefore going nowhere soon...

I got busy on the birth ball in the hope that labour would start naturally. After nearly three days of hellish boredom, broken up only by little visits from Beau and James, my sister and my mum, I was completely fed up. On that third day I had been getting contractions approximately once an hour but although they were actually quite painful, they weren't getting any more frequent, and I ended up sobbing tears of pure frustration on the shoulder of the lovely midwife Anna who had been looking after me during my stay. She had little comfort to offer me, but it felt good to get it out and so I dried my eyes and slowly waddled back to my room and settled in for yet another night in my cell of eternal pregnancy! The most torturous part of it was that from my room I could see the corridor leading to the delivery suite so every time I saw a lady being taken up to postnatal with her new baby I thought it might be my turn next...but wait as I might, nobody came to collect me to take me round.

At about 6:45pm I started to notice that those few and far between contractions had gotten slightly more frequent, and I started to wonder if something might be happening after all...then out of nowhere I was in agony and by 7:30 the contractions were on top of each other. A midwife came to examine me and confirmed I was 4cm dilated so finally it was my turn! I was taken round to delivery suite and shortly afterwards James arrived. By this point the pain was making me feel totally out of it and I decided that I needed to regain some control and that despite my previous swearing off it, I had an epidural. That was the best decision I could have made, and I soon felt calm and in control. My sister arrived to be my second birthing partner and at 1:20am while watching Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett in concert on the TV,  after about 15 minutes of pushing, Ettienne Bay made his way into the world, sucking his wrinkled little thumb and screaming his tiny baby lungs out. He weighed 8lb 11oz, so a fair bit smaller than Beau who weighed 9lb 7oz at birth. 

He is fair skinned and fair haired, in stark contrast to Beau who had a shock of long dark hair and was olive skinned from the get go. Like Beau was, he's a pretty chilled laid back baby who (touch wood) only really cries when he is hungry or tired. Beau slept through the night pretty much from 8 weeks old and I always knew I was onto a good thing there and it was unlikely I'd get that lucky again...and I was right :o) So Ettie is now 12 weeks old and I'm longing for a solid night's sleep, but apart from that all is good and I'm completely and utterly in love with my blonde haired blue eyed mini me...

peace xx 

14 WEEKS// THOUGHTS ON BREASTFEEDING

So this is a comparison of 7 weeks to 14 weeks...how am I doing?

Sometimes I feel like I really don't look pregnant at all, just a bit fat, and then someone will notice, or even tell me I am huge for my gestation and I question my perception of it! What I really wish is that I had taken more regular photos of when I was pregnant with Beau and then I might have some clue of how I compare this time round. I do have one earlyish bump shot from when I was 17 weeks with Beau and I have to say, I think I'm about the same size now as I was then. I'll compare again when I'm 17 weeks this time!

I haven't really felt nauseous for a week or so now so I think the 2nd trimester is starting to show it's pretty face. Talking of pretty faces though, mine is very much NOT! I am so spotty, it's ridic. I don't think I've ever had this many spots all at once, not even in puberty. Since I had Beau I haven't really worn make-up all that much (out of pure laziness, not because I suddenly became all beautiful and confident) but at the moment I'm having to wear at least tinted moisturiser and some cover-up every time I leave the house. Luckily my lovely friend Lucy gave me some lush Laura Mercier stuff which goes on like a dream and people keep telling me I look tanned and glowing when I wear it. Lord knows what I'm going to do when that tube runs out, it's way out of my budget! Anyway, back to symptoms...

I still have very little energy but that's being extra zapped at the moment by a cold/hayfever combo. I haven't had hayfever for about 5 years or more...why is it that the one year I get it again is the one year I can't take any medication for it due to being pregnant?! Sod's law is what that is, my friend. I'm starting to feel a bit better though and I'm hoping my energy is on it's way back as I want to start doing some light exercise again. I haven't really done it since way before I got pregnant but I'm feeling the need so I'm going to try and give it a go, in a sensibly feeble way of course.

So...breastfeeding. Man I loved breastfeeding. My opinion on it when I first found out I was pregnant with Beau was that I would not even be trying it. The thought of it freaked me out a little and I was perfectly comfortable with my baby being formula fed from the word go.

Oh how our feelings can change. I think my friend Anna was really a huge influence on my change of heart on it. I babysit for her two children and when she first had her daughter I used to go in every weekday evening and help her with the bathtime/bedtime routine. The one main memory I have of those weeks we spent together is of Anna sitting at the top of her stairs breastfeeding P and a look of pure bliss on both their faces. I never thought much about it at the time. Having babies was the furthest thought from my mind, and as much as I have always loved babies, I never paid too much attention to all that stuff.

Cut to a few years later when I was pregnant with Beau. I must have been about 6 months pregnant and still wasn't keen on the idea of breastfeeding, though I was considering it as an option for the first couple of weeks at least. So I'm at Anna's house and she asked me if I was planning on breastfeeding. "Yeah maybe" I said, sheepishly. "I'll probably do it for the first couple of weeks so the baby gets the good stuff. Not sure I could do it much longer than that though" I can't put my finger on what it was that she said, but something in Anna's response really made me think twice about it all. She told me how it was one of the best things she had ever done, and how once you get the hang of it, it is so rewarding in so many ways. She told me how it doesn't immediately come easily to a lot of women, but that if you just ask for help and have a little patience, you will reap the benefits. She told me about the breastfeeding clinic here in Tunbridge Wells and that if she didn't have two very young children to look after that she would have liked to volunteer there as a breastfeeding buddy, to help women learn how to do it properly. I think she just spoke about it with such passion that I couldn't help but take notice of what she was saying. I've never really thanked her, but that conversation was probably one of the best gifts anyone has ever given me.

She was so right about everything, and when my time came, it didn't come easily at first, but I knew that this might be the case so I persevered with it, I went to the breastfeeding clinic and I asked for help. It took a while. I would say hand on heart, that it didn't really click for me for about 6 weeks. For the first 6 weeks, it hurt. It really bloody hurt sometimes, when my nipples were cracked and bleeding, dry and stinging. I thought a couple of times about giving up but I knew in my gut that it would come good if I kept at it, and it did. I know now that he wasn't latching properly which is why it hurt so much for such a long time, but I also think it's just a part of the process. I think of it as somebody learning to play the guitar. It's awkward at first, you don't really know how to hold it comfortably, and your soft skin just isn't used to the sensation. Just as a guitar player needs to toughen up the skin on his/her fingertips to stop it from hurting, a breastfeeding mother needs to toughen up the skin on her nipples. The more guitar you play, the quicker that skin toughens up. The more you breastfeed...you get the idea. It's so tempting to reach for the bottle and give your nipples a rest but I truly believe that just prolongs the process (speaking from experience here). And once that guitar player's skin is tough...the sweet music that comes will be worth every second of pain it took to get there. It's the same for breastfeeding. Once it clicked, and was effortless, it really was the most wonderful and rewarding thing I had ever done. Not to mention free! There is also no washing up, no sterilising, no need to prepare milk for an outing...and on the quiet, it's a really good way of getting the hoards of visitors to go home in those first few weeks! Baby starts crying while in-law X, Y or Z is holding him, just tell them he needs feeding and head upstairs with him. They'll be gone by the time you get back :o)

And in my case, I wasn't back for quite some time! I had a really slow flow of milk, and Beau could take anywhere up to an hour or slightly more to feed each time! A lot of people said this would really put them off and they wouldn't have the patience for it, but seriously it didn't bother me at all. He was my first baby, it wasn't like I had much else to be getting on with. I think it could cause problems if I have the same issue with this next baby, as Beau is unlikely to be that patient about it all, but I'm going to give it everything I've got anyway. 

After about 4 months of feeding Beau, my right boob packed up and stopped working. Every time I tried to feed him on that side he would start to fuss almost immediately and pull away crying. I think my milk dried up on that side unfortunately and I thought that my breastfeeding days were over. I spoke to my health visitor and to my joy, she informed me that it's perfectly possible to feed from one boob only, and so it was. I ended up breastfeeding him until he was just over 9 months old, when he pretty much self weaned. By that point, he was only feeding once per day at bedtime, and he would literally feed for 5 minutes and go to sleep, I think he was just using me as a comforter, he didn't really need it anymore. We had actually introduced one bottle (of either formula or expressed breast milk if I had enough) per day from quite an early stage (less than two weeks old) when I was struggling with the sore nipples and I'll admit it was nice for James to be able to feed him and it meant I was free to go and do something for myself at that feed. I don't think I'd do it that way again though. I'd like to at least try and breastfeed exclusively as I think that this may have interfered with my supply. Who knows, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens, never say never and all that. I'll do whatever feels right at the time. 

For anyone reading this who is unsure as to whether or not they want to breastfeed, I urge you to try it. And give it a really good go too. It's hard! But help is available from either your local breastfeeding clinic or a good friend/family member who has had a positive experience with it. Don't be afraid to ask for help! Yes we have it drummed into us that it's the most natural, easy thing in the world but it really isn't that way for most people at first. It takes practise and patience. One of the best tips I was given that was a real game changer for me was how I was holding him when he fed. So in the traditional feeding position, I was allowing Beau's arm to rest in between our bellies at first, and it didn't occur to me that this could be a problem. The lady at the clinic told me to always wrap his bottom arm around me under my armpit so we were as close as could be with nothing in between us. It was a total game changer! He latched so much better and it was much more comfortable for both of us. Little things like this can make all the difference to your experience. Oh, and slap the lansinoh on like it's going out of fashion until it stops hurting!

Best wishes to anybody starting out on their breastfeeding journey, feel free to ask me anything you want to know about my experience with it. We're all friends here :o) x

OPERATION: PROGESTERONE PART II

If you haven't already, you might want to go back and read my first post on this to get the full picture.

To summarise, last time I told you that I had been to see Sophie Lamb, a medical herbalist, because I have been having a few miscarriages recently. She recommended a few supplements (which I detailed last time) and also gave me some advice on my diet. This time, I'm going to tell you about the dietary advice she gave me.

Firstly there are a few things to avoid: 
Vegetable oils, except olive oil which I can have cold, as a salad dressing for example. Did you know that you should never use olive oil as a cooking oil? It becomes unstable at high temperatures, and is therefore bad for your health. Something like coconut oil, avocado oil or organic butter are much better options as cooking fats. 

Seeds & unprepared grains: A lot of people think they need to cut grains out of their diet completely, but it's about understanding how they should be prepared for optimum benefit. This is mostly a simple case of soaking them before use. For example, if you're going to have porridge for breakfast, soak your oats in milk or water overnight beforehand. If you're going to have rice for dinner, soak it in water from the morning until you cook it in the evening. If you're going to eat bread, it should be sourdough. My local cafe does THE BEST sourdough pancakes, they are out of this world, and not entirely bad for you either :o)

Cruciferous Vegetables: This includes things like cabbage, broccoli and cauliflower. The only one of these I ate regularly is broccoli and Sophie said it's fine to have this occasionally, once a week perhaps. The reason I should avoid these types of vegetable is because they contain enzymes that interfere with the formation of thyroid hormone. As somebody with congenital hypothyroidism (an under active thyroid gland since birth), this is bad news for me.

Next are the "sacred foods". In some tribes and communities, they put young men and women on a special diet for 6 months before marriage, to give them the best chance of having successful pregnancies, resulting in healthy, beautiful, well formed babies. The diets consist of these "sacred foods" and the key to the sacred foods is a thing called fat soluble activators. These activators are the animal forms of vitamins A (retinol isomers), D (vitamin D₃ and isomers) and K (vitamin K₂). That is to say, activators are only available from animal products. As much as you may not want to hear it, a vegetarian or vegan diet simply cannot provide these things. A more detailed article about this can be found here.

For me, this means lots of eggs, butter, meat on the bone and liver. Eggs, butter and meat on the bone I can do, no problem. Liver?? That's food hell for me. I cannot stand the texture of liver. I like liver pate, and Sophie has recommended I eat a pack of organic chicken liver pate per week (that's the sort of dietary advice I like) but I also need to try and have actual liver. Other organ meats are just as good, but liver is the most readily available. She has recommended that I try and get used to it by hiding it in other meals, such as bolognese or casserole. I managed this for the first time on Friday. I made a bolognese sauce, and added 3 chopped livers to it. I'm not going to lie, it was a struggle. Every time I came across that undeniable weird powdery texture, I had to think about something else and have a huge gulp of water after each mouthful. But I'm hoping that in time I will get used to it.

As for meat on the bone, this isn't always possible for me. For example, if I make a curry or a risotto or something, I don't want my meat to be on the bone. The way to get around this, while still getting the goodness, it to add gelatine to these meals. Gelatine comes from animal bones, and it so, so, SO good for us. I got a bag of bovine gelatine from Botanica which I make up and add to any meals where I'm not using meat on the bone. I also have a teaspoonful dissolved into the milk I use for my morning latte each day. Another way around this would be to make a bone broth/stock and use this is your cooking. Just go and ask your butcher for some good animal bones, boil them for 6-24 hours and use the liquid for soups, stews and anything else you fancy.  

Sophie also told me that I should be eating gouda cheese on the regular, for a good dose of protein, and something like sweet potato, or mango daily for a healthy source of carbs. Also sea salt, and plenty of it. The myth about salt being bad for our health needs to be stopped in it's tracks. As long as it's a good sea salt and not that rubbish processed table salt, it's all good baby. At the moment, a typical day in the life of Kate looks something like this:

Breakfast: Two eggs scrambled with sea salt & black pepper, on a slice of sourdough toast. Served with a bovine gelatine latte

Lunch: Sweet potato wedges cooked in coconut oil, sprinkled with cinnamon, A wedge of gouda cheese, and some mango chunks for pudding. Served with a glass of orange juice.

Dinner: Jerk chicken made with thighs and drumsticks, served with two grated carrots (see my previous progesterone post for the relevance of the grated carrots)

I'll keep you posted on how this goes. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask in the comments or via the contact form.

laters taters (as Beau says)

xo

OPERATION: PROGESTERONE PART I

As you may know if you have read the last few posts, I've been suffering with miscarriages. I've now had 3 in the last 5 months, and after the most recent one last week, I decided enough is enough, I must take control of this situation. 

Like anyone in this day and age, firstly I consulted Dr Google.This brought up a lot of feeds, mostly giving the same advice. That advice being: recurring early miscarriages are often a result of low progesterone levels. You see, the menstrual cycle can be broken down into different phases, which are ruled by different hormones. The phase from day 1 to ovulation is ruled by Estrogen. During this phase, the body has a period, and then starts to release follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) which tells the ovaries to prepare a follicle which will then release an egg into the fallopian tube. Once this (ovulation) occurs  progesterone takes over (if you are charting your basal body temperature, the spike you see once you have ovulated is caused by the release of progesterone in your system) and if that egg has been fertilised, it's fate then lies in progesterone's hands as to whether it will successfully implant in the uterine lining or not. Assuming fertilisation has happened, the fertilised egg will spend 7-10 days travelling down the fallopian tube towards the uterus, which should be ready to receive it and give it a nice cushy home for the next 38 weeks so that it can develop into your gorgeous fat baby.  If you have a progesterone deficiency (as I suspect I do) then that fertilised egg may be unable to implant, and you will then have a period. This is known as a chemical pregnancy, and technically, you are pregnant for those few days. If, like me, you take an early pregnancy test on say day 9 or 10 dpo (days post ovulation) then you will get yourself a faint positive, and try as you might, you will get all giddy and excited at that point, only to have it all fall down around you not long afterwards.

Progesterone is a hormone, and there are things that one can do to encourage this hormone's presence in the body. I already knew from Dr Google that a common route is to take a combination of vitamin B6, a low dose of aspirin and to use a progesterone cream. 

After a consultation with medical herbalist, Sophie Lamb, yesterday, I now have a little more knowledge and a few other tricks up my sleeve in my quest for progesterone. Firstly to say, all purchaseable progesterone was not created equally. If you are interested to read the ins and outs of this, then this article by Dr Ray Peat is incredibly helpful. If not, suffice it to say that the best form to buy is Progest E Complex. It is not greatly more expensive than any other products of it's kind, but it is greatly more effective. I ordered mine this morning and it cost me around £31 including postage costs.

Second of all, as I alluded to earlier, estrogen and progesterone are like yin and yang. They are both essential and work in partnership with each other, But if you have a progesterone deficiency, the likelihood is that your estrogen levels could do with being stamped down a little. Most of the population have too much estrogen (men included) in their systems, and a really simple way to help your body excrete a little of that is as simple as eating one or two raw carrots per day. It is explained better here but in a nut shell, the fibres in carrots, when eaten raw, essentially mop up excess estrogen and toxins in the intestines and you then excrete them through the bowel. So no matter who you are, you could probably benefit from this little tip. And lets face it, it couldn't be easier so why the hell not.  

At this point I should also say that I have an underactive thyroid. I have had this condition since birth. It was picked up on the heel prick test when I was 5 days old, and I have been taking levothyroxine to treat the condition ever since. Thus far, it has never caused me any problems. I have never knowingly suffered from any symptoms or side affects of the condition, and when other people have moaned about having it, I have kind of thought "what's all the fuss about? I've had it my whole life and it's never bothered me one bit". I suppose because it has never caused me any trouble, I have never really looked into the thyroid in any detail. When people have asked me what the thyroid does, all I know is that it affects your metabolism. I always had a sneaking suspicion that there was a lot more to it than that, and I have heard the terms T3, T4 and TSH thrown around but never paid it any attention. I've had regular blood tests all my life, and depending on the results, have increased, decreased, or maintained my dosage. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is that Sophie has suggested that my thyroid is likely playing a role in my hormone issues, and therefore the miscarriages. I'll confess that I was a bit bamboozled by everything she was telling me, so I can't quite explain to you why this is. But we're treating that as an issue too, just so you know. (And I am going to do some research on the thyroid so maybe I can be a little more informed next time somebody asks me a question about it)

I'll do a separate post on the diet side of things, but in terms of supplements, this is what I'm taking, and why (if I know!):

Daily: 

Selenium (200 ug): This one, I'm not 100% sure on the science behind, but it has been proven that women who miscarry have lower selenium levels in their blood than women who don't, so that's good enough for me.

Folic acid: This one is common sense for any woman trying to get pregnant. It goes a long way to preventing conditions such as spina bifida in the developing fetus

Vitamin D  (3000 iu): Again, this one is pretty common sense. Unless you are lucky enough to live in a sunny climate and can get this the natural way, then you should be taking a vitamin D supplement, be you man, woman or child. 

Vitamin B6 (200mg): This is self prescribed. Vitamin B6 is said to increase the luteal phase (google it) which I suspect is not long enough in my case.

Aspirin (75mg): This is self prescribed, after doing my research online. A small daily dose of aspirin helps to thin the blood and therefore helps bloodflow. Since the uterine lining is made using blood, this is a no brainer.

Vitex Hormone Regulating Tincture (2 ml): Sophie made me up this tincture and I'll be taking 2mls per day in cold water. Vitex (also called agnus castus) is good for all kinds of women's hormone issues, from progestrone issues like mine, to PMS, to menopause. It doesn't contain hormones, but the little magic vitex fairies somehow balance out hormones when there is an imbalance. That's as much as I know, magic vitex fairies. Look it up online, there is a wealth of information about it, and a lot of women believe it has been the secret ingredient to them having a successful pregnancy. 

Daily AFTER ovulation:

Progest E Complex: The reason you should only take progesterone after you know you have ovulated, is because it can actually prevent you from ovulating if taken before. It is a key ingredient in all contraceptive pills, and is THE active ingredient in the mini pill. So you have to allow your body to ovulate first, and then you take the progesterone to help that phase of your cycle when hopefully a fertilised egg will implant and eventually give you all those sleepless nights you're dreaming about. This particular progesterone supplement is dissolved in vitamin E, which does a natural version of the job the aspirin does, so I'm getting a double whammy of goodness by taking it in this form. 

So that's my supplement menu. There is also the diet side of things to support this (nothing too scary or restrictive) which I will tell you about next time. But for now, I hope this has been useful or at least interesting to somebody. If you have any questions please feel free to ask me in the comments, and if you think Sophie could help you then I'll give you her contact details and you can arrange a consultation for yourself. 

I bid you adieu my pretties
xo

A SAD DAY

This photo above is my dinner for tonight. I had another chemical pregnancy/miscarriage today :o(

This time was a little different to last month in that I actually did an early pregnancy test this month, and got a faint positive line, so I knew for sure that I was pregnant. But it made me all the more sure that this is exactly what happened last month too, despite the fact I hadn't yet done a test that time. 

I've been doing those strip pregnancy tests from eBay like a mad woman this month. Since way before it was even possible to get a positive result, pregnant or not. I guess I'm a a glutton for punishment as it has been a strange form of torture. I knew that I ovulated on day 17, so realistically, there was no way I was going to get any kind of accurate test result until around 9 or 10 days after this at the very earliest, but that didn't stop me from testing from about day 5! Negative, Negative, Negative, Negative, Negative, Positive, POSITIVE!! That's right, day 27 came, I tested and there it was, the little purple line I had been waiting for. Yes, it was faint, but it was definitely there. Day 28, it was a teensy bit darker...even James could see it. We vowed not to tell anyone at all, and not to get excited about it. But I did get excited, obviously. 

Last night before bed, I did think I saw a slight tinge of bad news, but for some reason I ignored it. I had a good feeling about it this time. It might just be a little bit of implantation bleeding, if I'm not imagining it altogether, I thought confidently.

Then this morning came, day 29... usual routine...pee in a pot, oh, and I'd better just check the bad news situation, I'm sure it'll be fine...

Nope. Last night's tinge had turned into a full blown "it's over" announcement, and I was devastated.

Typically, Tuesdays are the one day of the week I have to go out to work all day, the one day I could really have done without it. So I got me and Beau ready, and drove to my mum's to drop Beau off. On our way there, completely out of the blue, he said "Mummy? I love you mummy" and that was enough to start the first few tears rolling down my cheek. I got to mum's and she asked me if I was ok, and I said "Kind of, just having another miscarriage" and that was the start of the big, boo-hoo tears. Mum gave me a big cuddle, told me she was sorry and that she wished this wasn't happening to me, and I sobbed into her shoulder for a few minutes, until I had to leave.

Serial "googler" that I am, I had read this morning before I left home that recurrent chemical pregnancies can be cause by a progesterone deficiency, and that taking a vitamin B6 supplement and baby aspirin can help your body hold onto pregnancies. Clearly I'm not infertile, it would seem I am quite capable of getting pregnant. It's the staying pregnant I suck at.

So I stopped into my local herbalist shop Botanica on my way to work to pick up some supplies. "Would you like any help or are you just browsing?" the lady behind the counter asked. "Erm, actually, I am looking for some specific things please. I need some vitamin B6 and some progesterone cream please" I replied. I got the vitamin B6 but it turns out you just can't just walk into a shop and buy some hormones. The lady behind the counter was Sophie, who informed me that she is a medical herbalist and knows quite a lot about ways of trying to help recurrent miscarriages, and yes, I was barking up the right tree with progesterone, but she would like to see me for a proper consultation so I'm going to see her on Monday and I'm hoping she can set me on the path to progesterone heaven. I'll pick up some baby aspirin at the chemist tomorrow.

I've been feeling mildly nauseous for the past week or so, and in a cruel twist, I still am. I'm really hoping I feel better soon, and can put this latest episode behind me.

But for now, it Miscarriages 3:0 Katie

HONESTY

I'm going to talk openly about something which nobody ever seems to talk about, but anyone who has been through it knows exactly what it's like. It's one of the most horrible feelings I've ever experienced, because along with it comes this huge amount of guilt and selfishness which makes you feel like the worst person in the world. But it's a feeling. You have  n o  c o n t r o l  over your feelings, you knew that right? It's like when you start falling for the wrong person. You know it's stupid, you know it's wrong, you know other people would judge you for it, you try so hard to push it down so maybe it won't be there anymore, but try as you may, there it is. 

Pregnancy envy.

There, I said it. Pregnancy envy is the jealousy you feel when somebody announces that they're pregnant and as happy as you are for them, the overriding feeling is a huge black cloud of envy.

I'm sure it only happens when you are either trying for a baby yourself, or you would would like to be but your circumstances don't permit it. I certainly don't remember feeling like this before I was ready to have a child of my own, and I'm pretty sure it's a completely foreign feeling once you are actually pregnant or have a baby young enough to stop you wanting another one right away.

 This is the curse of the tryers, the longers, the empty wombed, the ever hopefuls.

As far as I can see, it doesn't matter whether you've been trying for a baby for 4 years, 4 weeks or you're not even able to try yet. It's that ache in your womb that tells you that it's your time, and you want it more than anything. And it doesn't really matter who the subject is either. It could be some celebrity you've never met and have no knowledge of their circumstances, it could be your best friend who has been trying to get pregnant herself for years, or it could be your work colleague who "accidentally" got pregnant without even planning on it. It doesn't matter who it is because you  

a r e  h a p p y  for them. You are so happy for them that your heart could burst, because you know how precious a gift pregnancy is, and you are so excited for the amazing journey that they are now on. Especially if it is somebody who has had a really hard time to get to that place, the happiness you feel for them is overwhelming. Your jealousy doesn't mean that you wish it was you instead of them, it doesn't mean that you feel they don't deserve it, it doesn't mean that you are not so happy for them that you could cry. It means that you wish it was you as well as them, it means that you feel that you deserve it too, and it means you have now been reminded once again that  i t  i s  n o t  y o u  this time, and you are so sad you could cry. 

Most times I'm betting that you do cry. Out of happiness for them, and sadness for yourself. Jeez, talk about mixed emotions. 

But all this can make it incredibly hard to show them just how happy you are. Sometimes a simple "congratulations" is all you can muster, because all of a sudden your heart is filling with conflict and you just know that if you start asking the questions they want you to ask that your game face is going to crumble, and you don't want to completely ruin their moment with your own emotion. 

If, like me, you have had miscarriages, the question "when are you due" just prompts you to remember what your own due date would have been, how far along you would be or how old that baby of yours would be now if it had all worked out the way it was supposed to. It's not that you don't care or aren't interested, it's just that right there in that second, the knowledge that they're pregnant is enough for you. The finer details can come later once you have had time to compose yourself and accept that once again, it's somebody else's news you're getting excited about and not your own.

Yes, you're making it all about you, but nobody ever said that this pregnancy envy wasn't a completely selfish feeling. In time, you will find the strength to ask those questions that you are interested to ask, and you will get excited, and you will put your own sadness aside.

And so long as you are not visibly negative or judgemental upon receipt of their news (because trust me, that is not nice to be on the receiving end of) then you're doing just fine. Yes, they may go away and feel like they got a somewhat lukewarm response from you, but hopefully they're also human enough to understand where you are coming from, and to know deep down that of course you are thrilled for them, it's just going to take you a little bit of time to be able to express it. Let's face it, they're happy enough about it for the whole entire world, and why wouldn't they be? You will be when it happens to you too. 

Godmother To Be...

Last week I blogged about my friend Emma and her beautiful baby Edward (or Teddy as we have all started calling him). Well last Friday evening Em and her boyfriend Gav had invited me round for dinner, saying that Teddy had something to ask me...and guess what?? I am going to be his godmother! I can't tell you how proud and happy I am. He is such a cute little dude, I love him to pieces.

The Christening is next month so I really need to find a beautiful gift for him, from his number one godmother! Here are some adorable pieces which I found on Etsy...

Baby Bangle

Silver Spoon

Ceramic Cross

Booties

Birth Panel

So there are a couple of items which caught my eye. Once I decide what to buy him I will be sure to post it :o)



A few of the loves in my life

This weekend I got to see my good friends Emma and Lucy who are identical twins, and Emma's baby Edward (Teddy). We went for a walk in the park and it was so nice to see them all. We have known each other since we were 5 years old and it's so bizarre now that Emma has a baby of her own! Beautiful little Edward was born in May and I just adore him :o)

Although I am in no way ready to have my own babies at the moment, it does make me really broody when I spend time with Emma and Teddy.

 So for now I will remain content with my other babies, my cats Cassidy and Pharrell. We got the boys from Last Chance Animal Rescue a few years ago and I love them to pieces! James thinks I am mad the way I talk to them and coo over them, but I just can't help myself, they are so adorable.

This is Cassidy

And he is such a teddy bear. He loves cuddles and will jump up on my lap for a sleep and a bit of fuss and attention. Around eighteen months ago Cass went missing and we thought we had lost him forever. It turned out that he had been hit by a car, managed to survive and had been taken to a vets around 20 miles away to have some surgery on his jaw. After we managed to track him down, I went to collect him and we had a very emotional reunion! His little face was pretty bashed up bless him. He had broken his jaw and taken quite a nasty blow to the left side of his head, which left his eye really puffy and red. He is pretty much all better now, and despite being blind in one eye, you would never know anything had happened to him. I love my little Cass.

My other cat is Pharrell

He isn't quite as friendly as his brother but he has his moments where he lets his guard down and can't get enough fuss. Relly is more of an indoor cat than Cassidy, and I can usually find him cuddled up either on my bed or in his radiator hammock bed which he adores. Pharrell has lightning quick reactions, and a destructive set of claws on him, so you really know about it when he has had enough of being stroked!

So there you have it, some of my favourite boys in the world. I do sometimes worry that I am one of those crazy cat ladies and James definitely has concerns about me when I talk to them like they can actually understand me, but you know what I think...what's the point in having pets if you don't love them and treat them like members of the family? That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it :o)